Can't Handle This Uke tab by Bo Burnham

[Intro]

D F#m/C# Bm G x2

D 
Can I say my shit?
           F#m/C#
New York, Can I say my shit?
                         Bm
I've got lots of shit to say
                              G
I've got lots of shit to say (Ooh)

(Spoken)
D
I can't fit my hand inside a Pringle can. I have a huge amount of trouble
         F#m/C#
Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can, I can get my hand like four inches into the can
                    Bm
But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth
Bm
But then a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can
G
So they all go spilling onto my face



                                           D
What I'm trying to say is the diameter of Pringle cans is way too small
D
I'll say it again
                    F#m/C#
The diameter of Pringle cans is way too small. Two radiuses of a Pringle can is way too small
Bm
If you feel me, put your hands up Come on!
Bm
If you feel me, put your hands up
G
Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside of Pringle cans
D
Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle can. Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle can
F#m/C#
You think you can, I know you can't, you think you can


(Spoken)

F#m/C#
Pringles!
              Bm  
Listen to the people, I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get
Bm
Are about the width of your cans
                 G
Just make them wider. I've overdone the Pringles thing, sorry



D 
I want to have a daughter 
D
Want to have a daughter


(Spoken)

F#m/C#
So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands in the Pringle can
                      Bm
Yes, I'm still on the Pringle cans thing! Yeah! I'll move on, alright?



G
But that is priority número uno
D
I don't go to the gym because I'm self-conscious about my body
F#m/C#
But I'm self-conscious about my body cause I don't go to the gym
                Bm 
Irony can be so painful
                G
That's a Catch-22 (Ooh!) Let's do this!
D
I went to Chipotle
D            
When at Chipotle
F#m/C#
Got myself a chicken burrito

(Spoken)
Bm
I went down the line and I got all these ingredients and at the end of the line
                           G
The guy tried to wrap the burrito, but half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out
G
He still wrapped it
G
I was like, dude you should have warned me!
D
You're a burrito expert You should have told me halfway through!
                                                    F#m/C#
"Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here"
F#m/C#
Do you think I want a messy burrito?
F#m/C#
No one wants a messy burrito
            Bm
The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained
Bm
Within the confines of the tortilla
G
I wouldn't have gotten half of the shit if I knew it wasn't gonna fit in the burrito! Alright? Look


                           D
I wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
                           D
I wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
                           F#m/C#
I wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew it wouldn't fit
F#m/C#
I wouldn't have got - Half of it
      Bm
Like, I'm okay with small mistakes
                                          G
If you've got no more chicken, I'll take pork
                                       A            D
But I'll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork
                           D
I wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
                           F#m/C#
I wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
                            F#m/C#
I wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit. Man, I wouldn't have got half of it, like
Bm
Half of it, like
Bm
Half of it, like
Bm
Half of it, like
Bm                G
Half of it right now
    G
I think it's time I
  G
Think it's time, I think that we break it down



[Short Interlude]

D F#m/C# Bm G


(Spoken)

D
I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are
               F#m/C#
Pringle cans, and burritos
                                    Bm
The truth is, my biggest problem's you
Bm
I want to please you
Bm
But I want to stay true to myself
G
I want to give you the night out that you deserve
G
But I want to say what I think
G
And not care what you think about it


D
Part of me loves you
D
Part of me hates you
F#m/C#
Part of me needs you
F#m/C#
Part of me fears you
Bm
And I don't think that I can handle this right now
Bm                 G
Handle this right now
G
I don't think that I can handle this right now
D
I don't think that I can handle this right now
D
I don't think that I can handle this right now
F#m/C#
I don't think that I can handle this right now
F#m/C#
Look at them, they're just staring at me
        Bm                                                              G                          
Like, "come and watch the skinny kid with a steadily declining mental health
      G
And laugh as he attempts
                      A           D
To give you what he cannot give himself


D
I don't think that I can handle this right now
D
I don't think that I can handle this right now
F#m/C#
They don't even know the half of this right now
F#m/C#
They don't even know the half of it
Bm
But I know I'm not a doctor
                                G
I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show
                                             A
So I should probably just shut up and do my job
D
So here I go


D
I wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
                          F#m/C#
I wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
                         F#m/C#
I wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit
F#m/C#
I wouldn't have got half
Bm
You can tell them anything if
Bm                                G
You just make it funny, make it rhyme
              G
And if they still don't understand you
          G               D
Then you run it one more time


D
I don't think that I can handle this right now (Haa!)
                   F#m/C#
Handle this right (Hoo!)
F#m/C#
Handle this right
                                           Bm
You don't even know the half of this right now
Bm
Right now (Haa!)
G
Handle this right now
G
Handle this right
G                  D
Handle this right now



N.C
Thank you, good night!
N.C
I hope you're happy