The Mystic Crystal Tabulatur von Ninja Sex Party

( B Bsus4 Bm Bsus2 )x3
( B Bsus4 G A E )x5

B    Bsus4    G A E
Long ago and far away
B    Bsus4        G A  E
In labyrinths of coral caves
  B      Bsus4         G     A E
A mystic crystal was forged in glass
     B     Bsus4     G    A  E
From magic or some shit like that

    G               A        E
Its powers had been used for good
    G                A      E
And all men lived in brotherhood
  G             A     E
Until The Necromancer came
 B
Upon his steed of bones and flame

    C      G        D
His prism eyes with evil gleamed
   C           G     D
He stole the crystal, then he screamed
     C          G     D       E
“Now gods and men and all between
F                  C
Shall blow my necromancing shween!”

    C            G     D
The knights and nobles of the land
    C            G   D
Did all they could to stay his hand
    C       G    D             E
Yet not a single blow was struck
F                   C      Emaj7 Amaj7 Emaj7 Amaj7
Alas! For he was strong as fuck

( B Bsus4 Bm Bsus2 )x3

B Bsus4 G A E 

B          Bsus4        G     A  E
He grabbed The Princess from her throne
    B           Bsus4    G  A  E
And trapped her in the crystal stone
    B           Bsus4  G     A E
The King called in his wizards three
    B           Bsus4  G   A E
And begged them brokenheartedly

 G                   A          E
“Search the forests, search the seas
       G              A  E
Search time and all realities
    G               A    E
Two champions are what I need 
   B
To bring my daughter back to me!”

 C         G      D
“Yes, my king, it shall be done”
    C         G       D
The wizards said, and so begun
  C           G       D             E
A wondrous spell that soon would find
F                     C
The greatest men in space and time

    C             G    D
And that’s where our story begins
    C      G     D
And Danny and Brian come in
      C         G      D               E
There is no quest from which they’d flee
F                        C      Emaj7 Amaj7 Emaj7 Amaj7
But right now they’re in New Jersey

D
Hey Ninja Brian,

is that a mystic space portal behind you?

OH SHIT!!!

Em D G C Am G D

   Em       D    G       C
We woke up in a foreign land
  Am      G       D
Inside a castle, oh so grand
    Em      D       G       E
And there atop a throne of gold
 Am         G      D
Arose The King, so gross and old


King:
     Bm                    C
I’ve called you from the great beyond
   Bm                 C        D
To save my daughter, hot and blonde
       Em        D         G       E
You’ve sailed across the sky and stars
    Am           G          D    F#
The gods have brought you here unharmed

B 
Danny:
E
Actually your majesty,
                           G
you just sucked us through 26 dimensions
                           A
of space and time and I’ve gotta be completely

honest with you… 
B
My arms are broken
       E
And I don’t know why my chest is smoking


King:
G
I will heal you with my staff
    A
I’m sure we’ll look back on this and laugh
    B                         E
Now GO! Ride toward the sun atop these noble steeds
G
You’re our spandex heroes now
   A
Fulfill your destinies

    B                         E
And so! We turned and rode beyond the castle walls
     G
With shining codpiece armor
          A                      B E G A B E G A
that doth cradled our chivalrous balls

G D A
 
The sky grew dark and the road was narrow

C G D

But I knew we'd never be led astray

G D A

For Brian brought his magic arrows

C G D

They were blessed to light our righteous way


( D Dsus4 Dm Dsus2 )x4
*stabs*

AAAAAAARGHH!!!

Brian! Do you think you could please warn me

before you're about to light our righteous way?

*stabs* *stabs* *stabs*

OH GOD!!!

Alright, fine! Whatever, man!

LET'S RIDE!!!

Em D Em D Em D C G A B

    E                  D
The trees were twisted the air was thick
     A                       C     D
Twas clear his domain was as evil as dick
   E                               D
We passed through the gloom of the Forest of Fear
         A                        C          D     E
Then the Pits of Disgust, and the Dark Swamp of Tears

                D
Then off in the distance so clear
    A                   C        D
The cold gray peak of Mt. Nasty appeared
         E                        D
Past the Fields of Annoyance, and Dragon Barf Junction
        A                     C        D      E D A
And the treacherous Cliffs of Erectile Dysfunction

    C         D             E    D
Now Brian has erectile dysfunction
                A
…only Brian though.

(I know. It’s weird.)

C D

E             D
We arrived at the evil one’s hall
    A                     C           D
And dismounted our trusty steeds with resolve
E                             D
We hugged them goodbye and promised we’d never quit
          A                           C        D   E
Then they ran straight away, for they gave not a shit

               D
Moonlight rose over the door
    A                      C         D      E
Lit all the jewels and the skulls on the floor
                     D
We felt no terror as we entered the cave
           A                       C         D   A
Unless the bells of doom tolled We knew we'd be safe
   C         D   A
We knew we'd be safe
   C         D    n.c
We knew we'd be sa-


::bell rings::


Oh fuck… 

D#m

                   C#         F#
Colored gemstones lit up the wall
                        C#
They formed a rainbow trail
               D#m
Up to a giant waterfall

D#m                         F#
And there the Necromancer grinned 
                       C#
The Princess stood frozen 
                    G#m
Yet still so hot beside him  (Damn!)

        D#m                 F#
Then I heard a voice in my mind
D#m         C#
Twas The Princess!
                      A#m       D#m
She said “Danny, your heart is kind.
      D#m
Only light can stop dark!” 

         F#
I knew what she spoke of…
               C#
To defeat The Necromancer
             B
I had to use love!

D#m F# C#

G#m
“Stand back, Brian. I’m going to hug him!”

    D#m
He immediately shattered both my legs

And threw me across the room
   F#
“I prob’ly should brought some weapons”

I thought as I flew

     C#
Then Ninja Brian picked me up

Because he’s a good friend
        B
Then he used my body like a club

To beat our enemy to death

  Em
I should have been in more pain

Than could ever be spoken
     G
Luckily, I felt nothing

Because my back was totes broken! 

        D
Oh, the Necromancer was dead

And the crystal broke in three
         C
I looked up into the light and saw 
                     B
The Princess was now free!


“Brian she’s so beautiful! Roll me to her!!!”

   C           G      D
We journeyed gladly toward The King
    C             G          D
His lands now green with the life of spring
   C          G      D          E
He leapt up and wept at the sight
   F                             C
Of his girl as she carried me through the night

 C              G            D
“Heal this man, wizards!” He cried with delight
            n.c C  G               D
Which they did. Goddamn, they keep their magic game tight
    C      G     D
But sadly it was time to leave
       C            G    D       E
So the king said “Fix Brian’s E.D.
    F                 C     Emaj7 Amaj7 Emaj7 Amaj7 D6 D
And hooray for Ninja Sex Party”


                                     Bm
“Look Ninja Brian. The Portal back home is opening!”

( C# D#m F# )x2

C#              Fm                 A#m                 B  A#m
Now fare thee well, it seems that our journey is at an end
C#           Fm                A#m                  B G#
We will be here, if you should ever need our help again
C#           Fm                 A#m                      B    F#
We walked away but stopped and turned before we took our last step
C#              Fm                A#m                        B A#m
Brian killed a guy real quick to make sure he maintained his rep

C#                Fm
We all have our battles to fight
         A#m                               B  G#
And a crystal cage to break through in our lives
C#                Fm
But when hope is gone
             A#m                       B   F#
We will be there to help you rock the fuck on

C# B F# C#